Liber Saturni - Chapter 32

Verses

Verse 57

At twenty-nine I thought adulthood would arrive like software finishing an update.

Verse 58

Instead the rent increased, my back hurt once for no reason, and three friends got divorced.

Verse 59

Someone told me it was my Saturn return. I told them my landlord had a more convincing orbit.

Verse 60

Still, the timing amused me.

Verse 61

I had spent years keeping every option open until the options became clutter.

Verse 62

Choosing one road felt like murdering the others.

Verse 63

Then I noticed unchosen roads die anyway.

Verse 64

I quit a job I hated and discovered freedom also sends invoices.

Verse 65

I called my father and understood, for the first time, how young he had been while pretending to know things.

Verse 66

That frightened me more than getting older.

Verse 67

The mirror changed slowly enough that vanity could negotiate with it.

Verse 68

My ambitions became less cinematic and more specific.

Verse 69

I stopped wanting to be impressive to people I would avoid at a party.

Verse 70

A small apartment, good tools, honest work, two friends who answer: this began to sound rich.

Verse 71

Discipline stopped feeling like punishment once I chose what it protected.

Verse 72

Some doors closed. The room became easier to furnish.

Verse 73

I still do stupid things, but now some of them have calendars.

Verse 74

If Saturn is maturity, maturity is mostly discovering that consequences were not a rumor.

Verse 75

I do not feel old.

Verse 76

I feel edited.

Verse 77

Maybe that is enough for one orbit.

Verse 78

I will report again around sixty, assuming the landlord permits it.

Verse 79

Until then, I am keeping fewer promises and breaking fewer of them.

Verse 80

My younger self would call this boring.

Verse 81

I wish him well.